for most of my childhood I thought my biological father was cooper nielson from center stage. his character was that badass just-hopped-off-a-motorcycle-gonna-steal-yo-girl kind of aesthetic & that made sense to me.
of course my bio-dad was a badass he had to be to get a girl pregnant when he was 18 & to not meet me in the hospital the day I was born & that is how the situation made sense to me when I was 8.
***
when I met him last april I saw that he didn’t have those dirty blonde locks and that enlarged adam’s apple & he blushed a lot like I did & he worked in sales & maybe he wasn’t as cool as my 8-year-old self had thought.
& so now we talk & he is almost 40 & he calls himself old.
but my dad says you are only as old as you allow yourself to be.
***
here’s the thing: as an adopted kid it is natural to be curious about your biological parents (or not, honestly that’s totally cool too)
& maybe you wish you were raised by them (i don’t but some do) & maybe you search for similarities in their face and try to find pieces of yourself in their words & that is normal & that is dangerous & you need to cling to the parts of you that are yours alone & stop searching for explanations in the way he says ‘orange’ like you do.
***
i think i’ve glorified you for so long that your normalcy bores me.
***
meeting your biological parent(s) in your twenties and trying to get to know them is like dating
& i hate dating
& why do i keep putting myself in this position
& what am i getting out of this
& is it rude to ask him why he’s a libertarian and if he votes and who he voted for
and…
***
the rules for your first date apply to the rules for your first meeting with your biological parent(s) and they are:
*don’t talk about money or politics
*smile
*make good impressions (lie)
*find similarities in all areas possible (same favorite/unfavorite foods, movies, books, pop culture, love of beyoncé)
*never say ‘i love you’
*if it goes well give them your phone number & maybe a hug
*write about it in your Tumblr, your diary or your blog
***
they will never be your parents they will be someone who looks kind of like you & who gave you chromosomes & who share some similarities with you.
do not invest your heart into winning their affections because it will hurt you & rip you into a million little pieces that pigeons will snack on on the boardwalks.
the hardest thing to say to them is ‘i love you’ and maybe you will say it and maybe you won’t but do not feel pressured if they are not worthy of your love.
***
what do i say to people who ask about my ‘real parents’ because people seem to think that ‘real parent’s mean: two people who fucked ages ago and their DNA swirled together and the woman shoved you out of her vagina (or had you cut out of her uterus).
but i think it means the person who held the back of your bike as you shakily steered it down your driveway
& the person who cooked you your favorite meal after you had a rough day at school
& the person who helped you buy your first bra and hid the Victoria’s Secret bag in their purse because they knew you were embarrassed
& the person who smiled as you took your first steps, your first words, your first diploma, your first love
& the person who held you when you cried
& the person who loved you even when you were a preteen
& the person who brought earplugs to a concert that you wanted to go to
& the person who you want to be by your side for those big milestones in your life
& maybe that’s your adopted parents and maybe it isn’t but that isn’t for some stranger to determine for you.
***
there is no space for him in my life & i’m done feeling guilty about it.