the 'b' in lgbt

“Mom…. I have girlfriend.”

I was bright red, stuttering and incredibly nervous. I stared at her face on my laptop screen, trying to read her reaction. Was she happy? Shocked? Confused?

She smiled, and said, “That’s great sweetie, what’s her name?” a huge weight came off my shoulders and it jumpstarted my process of coming out as bi. When I told my dad a few weeks later, he didn’t even bat an eye “I’m glad you’re happy, now let’s talk about your spending habits.” My sisters were ready to punch her out if she ever hurt me. “She won’t,” I assured.

It seems like the ideal coming out story, but that doesn’t mean I wasn’t met with ignorance, just like many people in the LGBT community. I’d had people assume that because I was dating a girl I was a lesbian now. I’ve had people assume that if we break up I’ll exclusively go back to guys. I’ve had people mark the relationship off as a cliché ‘college lesbian phase.’ I’ve made out with my girlfriend at parties and had several guys swarm us and say, “that’s so hot!” As if I give a fuck, as if we only exist to be sexualized by straight guys. I’ve had a guy admit to me that he wouldn’t date a bisexual woman out of fear that she’d cheat on him. I’ve had girls tell me they wouldn’t date a bisexual guy because they thought it was ‘weird’ to imagine him hooking up with a guy.

This past week was Bisexuality Awareness Week and in honor of it I’ve decided to clear up a few myths that bisexual men and women are confronted with daily.

We would totally love to have a threesome with you!

This isn’t saying that no bisexuals like threesomes (everyone has their preferences) but just because I’m bi does not mean I automatically want to join in on you and your frat-boy boyfriend getting it on.

We’ll cheat on you, all the time.

Just because we’re attracted to SOME people regardless of their gender does not mean we’re attracted to every single person who walks into the room. Cheaters come in all shapes, sizes and sexualities. If a bisexual is in a relationship with you I imagine its because he/she really loves you and is willing and able to commit. If you can’t handle their sexuality it’s probably best that you let them find someone who can.

We’re really gay, we are just too scared to come ‘all the way out.’

No, actually we’re just bi. It’s real; it’s not a halfway point out of the closet. It’s an entirely separate sexuality in it of itself. So act like it.

All bisexual women are conventionally attractive white women.

Bi-erasure is a huge issue in the media; however once in a blue moon there will be a show or movie that actually portrays a bisexual (looking at you Orange is the New Black.) It seems great, in theory, however almost all of these ‘representations’ are played safe in order to make it digestible for mainstream media. This means that bisexuals are frequently portrayed as beautiful, thin, white women whom straight men would still want to have sex with. Newsflash: bisexuals don’t all look like Piper Chapman (who by the way has never uttered the word ‘bisexual’ to describe her sexuality on the show.)

We’re not truly bi unless we’ve been in relationships with both men and women.

How did you know you were straight before you lost your virginity? It’s the same as how I knew I was bi before I had a girlfriend. You just do, it’s not a choice it’s a feeling.

Coming out as bi is not as easy as it might appear. While being homosexuality is becoming more commonplace in media (and therefore a larger part of mainstream culture.) Bisexuality is still a hard concept for most people to grasp, especially in older generations. These stereotypes that I’ve listed may seem funny, but they keep many bisexual people from hiding their sexuality and ‘picking’ a side of themselves to be out. It’s hard for bisexuals to find their place in the LGBT community, people who fall on either end of the spectrum just can’t place us. We’re not fully gay or fully straight so what are we? It’s time that we realize bisexuality is a sexuality all on its own, not just a halfway point between gay and straight. It’s time for us to stop labeling bisexuals as ‘confused’ or in a ‘stage.’ It’s also time that we realize that it’s not just straight people who can be bi-phobic. Anyone who doesn’t date a bisexual out of fear that they’ll cheat or swing back the ‘other’ way is bi-phobic. Plain and simple.

I’ve been in my relationship for a year now and we still have guys asking to ‘join in’ when they see us kissing or holding hands in public. We still get mislabeled as lesbians even when we both identify as bisexual. We still have a long way to go before mainstream media can become comfortable with bisexuals being portrayed diversely and accurately on television. We still have stereotypes to fight against. We still have a community. We still have each other.

lil lu

when lucy laughs, it feels bittersweet. i love to see her happy and overjoyed, the way she smiles and her whole face lights up. its in those moments that i see chris so clearly in her. and i just sit there, hoping he can hear her laugh too.

lessons from my mother


“are you grateful for the hips that cracked?

the deep velvet of your mother

and her mother?

and her mother?

there is a curse that will be broken.”

warsan shire
 

 

my body always embarrasses me.

the way my hips & ass & thighs tug the denim of my jeans in multiple directions. leaving holes in the place where my thighs meet.

my mother patches these holes on the weekends. she says they happened because the fabric is cheap.

she looks right through my body, as if it was never there in the first place.

 

***

my mother says her body looks like a refrigerator box. she stops eating sugar, gluten, fat, carbs until i’m not sure what’s left.

she never gets that flat tummy she wants, the one all her magazines tell her she’ll have if she just sacrifices her taste buds. the glossy covers always show a smiling, size 2 blonde in yoga pants. she wants you to be like her, she wants you to eat salad without dressing & measure out your snacks & not to eat food after 7 p.m.

South Beach, sugar free, Vogue says ‘thinner is better.’

she works hard, she’ll never stop.

 

***

i look at my ass in the mirror and wish it could disappear.

my ass attracts the looks & hands of men & boys & friend’s boyfriends.

 

1 in 3 women will experience sexual harassment in their lives.

***

i tell my mom i don’t like my body & she smiles, finally finding something we can bond over.

she says she can help me.

     she says it’s so so so hard to get the body.

                                         the body that i want at least.

           she signs me up for weight watchers.

                                                                    i am 15.

7 in 10 girls believe that they are not good enough or don’t measure up in some way, including their looks, performance in school and relationships with friends and family members.

***

 

we were on weight watchers together for a few months, every night we would tally up our points on our home computer.

in the office she shared with my father, we calculated our breakfasts & snacks & lunches & dinners until every taste evaporated off my tongue.

my score was too high.

      you need to spend more time on the treadmill sweetie.

***

You look nothing like your mother.

You look everything like your mother.

 

***

erin sees the way i add up calories in my head before i take a bite.

she tries to teach me about moderation.

about how food can taste so good & be healthy but also how food can taste so good & not be healthy.

& its okay, its all about balance.

i’m trying to believe her, but i’m also trying to remember the amount of calories in a BLT.

***

do you remember being born?

***

when my mother talks about my birth, she always talks about how my dad was snoring in the waiting room as i was being pushed into the world.

she says this smugly, her lips pursed tightly as she spits the word dad out with hatred.

***

How to wear your mother's lipstick. You go to the bathroom to apply your mother's lipstick. Somewhere no one can find you.

You must wear it like she wears disappointment on her face.

 

***

my father breaks her heart & i keep breaking it. she wants a bond that i’m not sure will ever be possible.

she forces her love on me & it sits on top of my shoulders like a thousand pounds. i try to love her like she wants me to, but i can’t fill that void.

elena calls me at 2 a.m. and tells me i’m a bitch. she thinks i treat our mother like shit & she isn’t entirely wrong.

i thought my mother was stronger than i was, but now i don’t think it’s true.

Your mother is a woman and women like her cannot be contained.

***

i’m older now, i appreciate the things my body can do. how my legs are able to carry me wherever i need to go, how my hips can hold my pants up without a belt, how my arms can reach for food at the top of the shelf. I don’t own a scale, i don’t count calories, i like running or walking outside but i don’t work to make my body fit into sizes it never will.

 

when i visit my mother she always wants to talk about my body. now that i’ve outgrown my baby fat, now that i don’t hate working out, now that my body looks like she thinks it should. she sees how thin my waist is, how flat my stomach is, how my thighs don’t rub together as bad as they used to.

 

she puts her hand on my body, as if she’ll get a 21-year old body by osmosis.

my ass is still fat but she doesn’t notice.

my thighs still destroy my jeans but she ignores the holes.

 

men still follow me on the streets, trying to grab me, shouting fucked up things at my body, trying to get my number. my ass is a bullseye, men can see it from a mile away. they stare at it like a piece of meat, their eyes follow it as i try to shrink inside myself. every comment makes my heart pound, my legs move faster faster faster. i need to go, i need to escape, i look for help, but i know no one notices.

 

catcalling is a fact of life for women and femmes right? i shouldn’t wear skinny jeans if i don’t want men to notice, right? i earned it for being a woman in public right? boys will be boys right? i am the problem, if i shrink my body until it’s small enough to fold up & tuck in a pocket then i’ll be able to move through the world unnoticed.

 

mami you thicker than a snicker,

                damn baby you lookin’ good I think I’m in love,

                                                bitch, you can’t take a compliment?

                                                                         fuck you bitch, you ain’t as hot as you think.

i was asking for it, i should’ve dressed modestly, i should’ve worn pants in 80 degree heat. i should’ve covered my ass if i wanted respect.

didn’t i know that?

have my 21 years taught me nothing.

didn’t i know that my body is for public consumption.

this is something

for most of my childhood I thought my biological father was cooper nielson from center stage. his character was that badass just-hopped-off-a-motorcycle-gonna-steal-yo-girl kind of aesthetic & that made sense to me.

of course my bio-dad was a badass he had to be to get a girl pregnant when he was 18 & to not meet me in the hospital the day I was born & that is how the situation made sense to me when I was 8.

***

when I met him last april I saw that he didn’t have those dirty blonde locks and that enlarged adam’s apple & he blushed a lot like I did & he worked in sales & maybe he wasn’t as cool as my 8-year-old self had thought.

& so now we talk & he is almost 40 & he calls himself old.

but my dad says you are only as old as you allow yourself to be.

***

here’s the thing: as an adopted kid it is natural to be curious about your biological parents (or not, honestly that’s totally cool too) 

& maybe you wish you were raised by them (i don’t but some do) & maybe you search for similarities in their face and try to find pieces of yourself in their words & that is normal & that is dangerous & you need to cling to the parts of you that are yours alone & stop searching for explanations in the way he says ‘orange’ like you do.

***

i think i’ve glorified you for so long that your normalcy bores me. 

***

meeting your biological parent(s) in your twenties and trying to get to know them is like dating 

& i hate dating 

& why do i keep putting myself in this position

&  what am i getting out of this

& is it rude to ask him why he’s a libertarian and if he votes and who he voted for

and…

***

the rules for your first date apply to the rules for your first meeting with your biological parent(s) and they are:

*don’t talk about money or politics

*smile

*make good impressions (lie)

*find similarities in all areas possible (same favorite/unfavorite foods, movies, books, pop culture, love of beyoncé)

*never say ‘i love you’

*if it goes well give them your phone number & maybe a hug

*write about it in your Tumblr, your diary or your blog

***

they will never be your parents they will be someone who looks kind of like you & who gave you chromosomes & who share some similarities with you.

do not invest your heart into winning their affections because it will hurt you & rip you into a million little pieces that pigeons will snack on on the boardwalks.

the hardest thing to say to them is ‘i love you’ and maybe you will say it and maybe you won’t but do not feel pressured if they are not worthy of your love.

***

what do i say to people who ask about my ‘real parents’ because people seem to think that ‘real parent’s mean: two people who fucked ages ago and their DNA swirled together and the woman shoved you out of her vagina (or had you cut out of her uterus).

but i think it means the person who held the back of your bike as you shakily steered it down your driveway 

& the person who cooked you your favorite meal after you had a rough day at school 

& the person who helped you buy your first bra and hid the Victoria’s Secret bag in their purse because they knew you were embarrassed 

& the person who smiled as you took your first steps, your first words, your first diploma, your first love

& the person who held you when you cried

& the person who loved you even when you were a preteen

& the person who brought earplugs to a concert that you wanted to go to 

& the person who you want to be by your side for those big milestones in your life 

& maybe that’s your adopted parents and maybe it isn’t but that isn’t for some stranger to determine for you.

***

there is no space for him in my life & i’m done feeling guilty about it.